i want to know where you went. i want to know why you dropped me on my face, face down, on this dirty carpet of disintegrating dreams. i had never even stopped to fear a day like this, where i don't seem to mean any more or less to you than some bitch working night shift at seven eleven. it never seemed imaginable. it was never before an option in my mind that you could get tired of our laughing, exploring, and uncovering life's secrets together. and it wasn't until now that i understand; there's really no use trying to repair what we had. for months i have spent days putting forth effort to make things the way they once were. planning visits only to be ditched, leaving messages only to be ignored, sending email only to be responded with a few simple, thoughtless lines to appease me. well if you're tired of me, i'm tired of trying.
     i want to remember us as the unseparable unit we once were. i want to remember us stepping on the faces of classmates with our chuck taylors; i want to remember us bleaching our hair yellow only to dye it maroon again the next day. i want to remember being perfectly content even though there was nothing we particularly wanted to do, or say. i want to remember your face, how it would break into a smile when you saw me coming - as opposed to now how you squeeze on a smile as best as you can. how you give me that fake little hug hello and goodbye; how you pretend nothing's wrong but ignore me most of the night. maybe i should have never tried to see you again. maybe i should have remembered the old times and called it a night.
     i want to know why you'd rather ignore this than talk. your lack of priorities makes me want to curl up on your lap and cry us both to sleep. you will know you're going to be eight hours late, not call, and not care about the consequences. or my feelings. you will know i'm in town but spend two hours checking email and socializing before you finally get around to picking me up. and then spend the one night we have together dancing with the friends you get to see every day - hanging on them, exploding into fits of laughter with them - and barely noticing i exist. what ever happened to going to perkins then borders then sally's then wegmans then your house then back to perkins again? what ever happened to our brains overlapping?
     i could never understand why it was too much effort to call once a month and say hello to the girl you used to call your best friend. too much effort to write me a letter. too much effort to think about me. but now i see that it's too difficult for you because you've completely lost interest. you've completely changed, and you've completely moved on. i never badmouthed you; i never judged you; i was never tired of being with you. but you don't want to remember us leaning on each other. and you don't want to remember us conquering the world. well if you're tired of me, i'm tired of trying.