The "If" Project - September 2001
By: Jaime Ertel, September 2001

If all modern-day technology were to suddenly vanish (the Internet, computers, TV, CDs, cameras, etc.), how strongly would your life be impacted? What steps would you personally take to redefine your life in a non-technological society?

I live and breathe technology. I design web pages and graphics, both as a hobby and a career, so it's not uncommon for me to be on the computer between 8 and 12 hours a day. I'm also a TV addict. A digital camera fiend. An email junkie. I cannot wake up without an alarm clock. I love DVDs and microwaves and Volkswagons and video games and air conditioners and cell phones and bubble baths.

I am a technology whore.

And on top of that, I'm a perfectionist. Don't get me wrong - being both a web page developer and a perfectionist is a great combination... but only for the web page. Not for me.

I have driven myself to uncharted levels of obsession and stress because of the Internet. There have been too many nights where I have come home from work, eaten dinner, sat back down at the computer, and then not have been able to peel myself away until after midnight because I was unable to leave a web page layout unfinished, a clique not updated, a JavaScript not working, etc. And I absolutely loathe broken links. There are over 600 external links on smooo.com. Every week I get dozens of new 404's, 403's, moved pages, servers temporarily down, and every other complication you can possibly think of. If smooo.com isn't perfectly spell-checked with 100% working links, I go insane.

...It's almost as if the Internet has grabbed a hold of my brain, and will not give it back until I have completely perfected my little speck of cyberspace.

I cannot tolerate technological imperfection. I become a crazy strung-out machine, out to get revenge on everything imperfect. If smooo.com goes down, my web host can expect me to call them complaining within an hour. I complain to my cable company when there is static in my picture. To my cell phone company if I hear other people have better deals. To Videoflicks.com because my DVD skips. To Talk.com because it took them 12 months to send me my free digital camera. To my ISP if I can't get online. Don't get me wrong - I get tired of calling and complaining. But I truly cannot help it. I have a very difficult time tolerating so many imperfections. It's a vicious cycle of me stressing out over every imperfection, and then my attempts to perfect the world snowballing into a giant knot of anxiety.

So now we've established that I am an obsessed technological perfectionist.

And in addition, up until very recently, I was completely unmotivated and lazy. Sometimes it just seemed like so much effort to leave the apartment. Why go to a bar when I could spend my Friday nights surfing the web for new fonts, or new cliques to join? Or watching 12 hours of the Simpsons? Or chatting with my mom for 2 hours on the phone? It's just so easy to let myself fall into the depressing pit of watching TV and surfing the Web. It has always been a challenge to motivate myself. Sometimes you spend so much time learning about other peoples' lives on TV and over the Internet, you forget about living your own.

I very recently realised that I had a serious problem - a technology obsession. Day-by-day, technology was leeching my soul and sucking my will to live. I gained about 10 pounds throughout the past few months, bringing myself a whopping 15 above where I want to be. A few months ago I began having trouble sleeping, and I still do to this day. It was impossible to sleep with my brain churning endless images of computer graphics, TV sequences, and web page designs. I was on sleeping pills for 2 weeks. Then I started taking Xanex (anxiety medicine) to sleep. And because I was spending such an obscene amount of time staring at monitors, I began hating my job more than usual... hating technology more than usual.

Technology began making me cry. I was crying at work, crying over video games, and crying at my computer. One day I came home from work, sat on the floor, and blubbered for an hour, telling Jay how much I hated my job, my webpages, and my video games. I knew that something had to change. I knew that somehow, I had to start weening myself off of technology and back into the real world.

For over a year, I had been toying with the idea of joining something. I was spending most of my free time playing on my computer and watching TV. I felt lazy, out of shape, and had no friends down here in NJ. At one point last year, I met a girl online and met up with her at a dance club. But we only hung out that one night and then she went away to college. I continued going to the club weekly, but I didn't make any close girlfriends like I wanted to. Going to clubs alone became boring and I ended up sinking back into my rut of playing video games all weekend. Every few weeks after that, I would become really motivated for a few days to join something, and then the urge would die off and nothing would change. For about 2 weeks, I was excited about joining a martial arts class. But everything I found in the area was really expensive, I didn't know exactly which martial art I even wanted to try, and eventually I forgot about it. At another point, I went hunting for aerobics classes. I called local High Schools, asking for Adult Ed. brochures. A few finally made their way to my mailbox, but just got thrown in a pile with the rest of the junk mail. One night, many weeks later, I finally looked through one of the brochures and got motivated enough to go to a Karate class. I drove all the way there, walked to the gymnasium, looked through the window, and completely chickened out. Everyone in there was wearing Karate outfits, and most of them were young boys. I was wearing boxers and a tank top. I went home and gave up.

After Jay moved down here in June, I became even less motivated. For a few months, I was content with our nights of toggling between the computer and the TV, taking occasional walks around the apartment complex. The urge to go out, join something, and meet new people had died off again. But not for long. Within a few weeks, I could feel my self-esteem plummeting, and was once again itching to get out more. A few Saturdays, I dragged Jay to my favorite dance club, but he didn't enjoy it at all. I wasn't having fun with him sitting there looking miserable, so I started going alone again. But every week it got harder and harder to motivate myself, until I finally stopped going at all. The dance club on Saturdays was definitely not fulfilling my desire to join something and meet new people, and I was still spending all of my weeknights wasting away at the computer and TV. But inside, my mind was concocting a plan, Slowly, my self-motivation began growing again, a little more each day. And then finally, I decided it was time to change my lifestyle once and for all.

My first step was to spend less time on the Internet. I created my web pages as creative outlets - as places for me to fully express myself. Instead, they had become more like maintenance nightmares, begging for updates and corrections. The biggest problem page was absolutely my Straight But Not Narrow clique (An online community against homophobia). Every day I would open my email to find 5 personal letters, about 5 spams, and 5-10 new SBNN submissions. If I didn't update the clique daily, the submissions would just pile on top of each other until I had a list of 30 or 40 people to add. I didn't create this clique to bring me hell - I created it to bring together a community of supporters. There was once a time when I was delighted to get new submissions. But as the clique grew, so did my exhaustion to maintain it. I didn't want to close it down. So instead, I decided to make it part-time. I worked out a really cool JavaScript that only allows people to join Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. The other 4 days of the week, the Join page is just a note saying to come back on the weekend, with an explanation of why the clique is closed during the week. Now the number of submissions per week is only about 1/3 what it used to be, and it's much easier for me to maintain. I am also a lot more interested in updating it again, now that the Join page is closed during the week and I am not being hammered with submissions. I know it's sad that I'm not getting as many new supporters for the cause, but I think it's more important right now for me to be healthy.

The second step I took was to cut back on the video games. I had gotten to a point where I was slaving over Klonoa 2 (a Playstation 2 game) every single night, playing these near-impossible levels in hopes to collect all the "gems" in the game. Playing through the game was so much fun. But after I beat it, I couldn't stop. It turned into yet another video game obsession: I wanted 100% of those gems listed on my sub-screen. This is not an uncommon thing for me. I do it with almost every video game. I'll have a great time playing through the game, and then I torture myself for weeks afterwards, going for that 100% goal. I unlocked every character and movie in Tekken Tag, found every "Lum" in Rayman 2, tried maxing out every weapon in Dark Cloud (over 90 hours of game play)... and the list goes on and on. I even got more than 100% in all 3 Donkey Kong Country games for the SNES, even though the last 10% made me want to pound the screen to death.The problem with my "completion obsession" is not only that I struggle getting to 100%, but I throw tantrums when I can't do it. If I can't beat something, I quite often scream, swear, and throw the controller at the floor. Half of my brain tells me to stop while the other half forces me to keep trying, making the game as unfun as it can possibly be. Well, after years of this bad habit, the sensible side of my brain finally won. I decided to quit Klonoa. Only about 50% of the levels are entirely cleared, and you know what? I don't really care anymore. I know that I beat the game, and I had fun doing it. There is no reason I should sit there night-after-night and torture myself like that. Klonoa is no longer ruining my nights. And actually, I have really cut back on all of my video gaming in general. The only game I've been playing lately is a 2-player Dreamcast game with Jay called Power Stone 2. I only play it a few times a week, for less than an hour at a time... and it feels great! I also went out and bought Scrabble and a deck of Uno cards. They're an excellent substitute for video games (and sometimes even bore Jay and I into having sex!), and it's much more interactive playing board games than video games.

And finally, the last step towards my technology-reduced life: Exercise! Last week I joined a health club! As soon as I got the urge to exercise, I immediately went out and joined. I know myself well now, and I knew if I pondered over this for too long, it would never happen.I was going to pick one at random, but a co-worker recommended a good one in the area for me. I've gone every day for the past 6 days, and I already feel a lot better about myself, both physically and mentally. My goal is to lose about 15 pounds and overall feel better about myself and my body. The instructors are very inspiring and encouraging, and there is a wide variety of classes offered (water aerobics, Kickboxing, Yoga, etc.) which I know will play an important role in maintaining my interest. Everyone there has the same goal, and it's incredibly motivating seeing so many beautiful bodies... and so many flabby ones. It's a lot easier to exercise when everyone around you is doing it too. So far, I've found all the members and trainers to be friendly and encouraging. A personal trainer even helped me set up all the weight machines so that when I go to them and punch in my code, they actually tell me how much weight to put on and how many reps to do. (I know this is actually another form of technology - but it's different. It's helping me get in shape and I'm not just starting dead-eyed at a screen.)

It's only been a little over a week since my last technology-driven breakdown, but I'm finally heading down the road to a technology-reduced life! Thank you everyone for the inspiration!

So I guess that everything you just read is my answer to this month's collab question. If all modern-day technology were to suddenly vanish, my life would be impacted quite strongly, but not as strongly as it would have a month ago. And as you also just read, I am definitely taking steps to reduce the use of technology in my life. Sure, if we didn't have technology, we'd be thrust back into the stone-ages and would lose out on a lot of important technological advances. We wouldn't have modern medicine or a good means of transportation. I'd also be out of a job. And I'd lose all my online friends. But you know, I think we would all get more exercise, experience more things in the world, and have a lot less stress.I think many people secretly yearn for a technology-free world. Isn't that everybody's dream - to be stranded on a desert island with nothing but the people you love? Sure sounds nice to me...

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(This entry was nominated for a
Diarist Award: Best Collaborative Entry)

Thank you Terry and the six volunteers for choosing my question for this anniversary edition of The "If..." Project. It means a lot to me, and I''ve been looking forward to writing about this topic for quite some time. Now that I am out of college it's very hard for me to just sit down and write, and at this point in my life, collabs like The "If..." Project play an enormous role in my motivation to write.

Thank you to everyone who responds to my question this month.

And special thanks to Jay for the awesome critiquing job you did on this for me.

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