The Housekeeper
Three-day-old teabags stuck to their bellies, while varying browns and pinks stained their pretty, white rims. Crowded by candles and half of a sandwich, their chipped bodies glowered with contempt and defeat; they were ready to die. She could sense their threats to jump off the old, oak table, if that greasy, brown dog were to run by just one more time. She pushed a curl of auburn away from her eye, and leaned against the TV set. It was overwhelming - the state of this living room, but she was pleased to spot the tip of her missing slipper poking out from beneath the red couch, only millimeters away from being lost forever. Walking over and drawing the slipper out with her foot, she grimaced at the heaps of white cat hair on it, and angrily kicked it across the room. “Fucking Dots!” Ignoring the spilled cactus on the windowsill, and the hair-laden slipper that knocked it over, she went into the kitchen. Her expression turned from angry to sour as the tang of rotting food pervaded her nose. The dishes had long outgrown the sink, and were now seeking out the countertop as their new home. A few plastic bowls and cups had already made the move. Heidi and Dots cried fanatically, trying to climb her legs while she rummaged in the pantry for a clean sponge.
Two
bags of trash sagged against the far wall, below the clock eternally reading
Hearing this, Bentley blew through the house and into the kitchen, knocking two teacups off the living room table as he passed. Huffing, he skidded to a stop when he saw his master, sensing her anger. “Bentley! Go lie down!” Bentley began to whimper. Heidi tipped over the garbage can. Dots sniffed Heidi’s butt. “Please!” she pleaded, kicking the animals aside as she stormed into the living room. And as if things couldn’t be any worse, Otis the Bunny had somehow escaped from his cage, and was sitting on the floor next to the old, oak table. Happily munching on Introduction to Algebra, he was sitting atop the shards of two broken teacups and several perfectly-round, brown bunny pellets. One more hour until the kids came home from school. Olivia sank to her knees and cried. --- “We need a housekeeper.” “Oh, now Liv, honey, you know we can’t afford a housekeeper.” “Patrick, look at this house! Look at this room!”
She watched his eyes as they grazed over the living room. The cactus
in the windowsill was still tipped, spines and dirt all over the red couch.
Bentley was stretched out, snoring and drooling on a heap of pantyhose, shoes,
board games, and textbooks. Where on earth was his doggy bed, anyways? And
why was Otis the Bunny’s cage down on the floor? Olivia watched as he hungrily
chewed on one of her hair-laden slippers through the bars of his cage. The
coffee table was piled high with magazines, unopened mail, pens, remote controls,
sodas, pretzels, papers, candles, and the same half of a sandwich from the
day before. Heidi had made room for herself on top of the TV set by knocking
all the Was that disgust she could see glistening in Patrick’s eyes? Maybe now he would listen! Maybe he will finally agree that with us both working full-time, and the kids wrapped up in their homework all evening, and the animals incessantly shedding, that we need some help! Olivia kicked off her shoes and stepped inside, onto the soft, white living room carpet. A portly woman, nearing sixty, greeted Olivia with soft, twinkling gray eyes and a smile as she retrieved her jacket from the hall closet. After fastening on a pair of bright white Velcro sneakers, the woman quietly saw herself out, reminding Olivia to feed the animals. Relieved to be home from work, Olivia sank contentedly onto the lush, red sofa, and slid her feet into her slippers, neither of them missing nor loaded with cat hair. She admired the white carpet beneath her feet, freshly striped from the treads of the vacuum and free of any snags or stains. The old, oak table was tidy and clutter-free: magazines were stacked in the bookshelf while candles and knickknacks were placed tastefully around the room; remote controls were neatly lined up along an end-table while pens were placed in their proper drawers; mugs and glasses had all been washed and put away in the kitchen.
Olivia
stood on her toes in excited anticipation as He opened his mouth. She closed her eyes. “Oh Liv, honey, you know we can’t afford a housekeeper.” --- She waited until Patrick fell asleep before sneaking downstairs. Moonlight was peeking through the lacy purple curtains of the living room, casting flecks of light on the cluttered room. Doing her best to ignore the mess – and step over it – she treaded quietly into the kitchen. She could see the Friday paper sitting on the table. Grimacing, Olivia slid the newspaper out from under a pizza box, a plate of butter, two cereal bowls, and an assortment of beer bottles, careful not to knock anything off the table. Fingers sticky with beer, she flipped through the papers until she found the Want Ads, and then settled onto the gritty floor where she had plenty of space to work. WANTED – DISHWASHERS. CALL PHYLLIS AT 899-0033.
She shook her head in disgust. No way was she going to earn money for a housekeeper by doing somebody else’s dishes! There had to be something better.
WANTED – P/T PET SITTER, EVENINGS & WEEKENDS. CALL ANN. 897-3889 As if on command, Heidi daintily slinked around the corner and into the kitchen. After a brief halt in front of the fridge - to lick her tail, stretch, and surrender to a giant yawn – she then noticed the paper spread out on the floor and headed over to investigate. Olivia teasingly rustled a corner of the paper, watching as the cat dropped into a fierce crouch, wriggling her little bum in anticipation. Olivia couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “I think I enough animals to worry about right here!” she said to the playful cat, rubbing her leopard-spotted belly. WANTED – ATTRACTIVE WOMAN TO ACT IN ADULT FILM. NO EXP NECESSARY. CALL 897-0790 Olivia stopped laughing. Without even thinking, she circled the ad with her marker. But shocked and disgusted by this instant reaction, she then tore out the ad, quickly crumpled it, and hurled it against the far wall, where it completely missed the mouths of both overflowing trash bags. Heidi, overcome with excitement at this sudden game of Fetch, dove after the flying, rumpled scrap and crashed right into the garbage bags, scattering trash all over the floor.
Hearing
the spill, Dots rushed into the kitchen, joining her sister in the rubble.
Olivia sat on the floor, motionless, cringing from the noise of the crash, and sick-to-her-stomach seeing her cats playing in the garbage. She was certain that Patrick and the kids would awaken; but the upstairs was silent. She felt guilty, sneaking around like this. She felt as though she were a child again, sneaking out after her parents went to bed. Pulling herself together, she got to her feet and lunged at the cats. She shook her fists at them, chasing them into the living room. “Get out of here! Psssst! Psssst!” The cats tracked litter as they ran. Tears welled up in Olivia’s eyes. Walking back to the far wall, she dropped to her knees and began scooping up cans, napkins, and clumps of cat litter. Snatching a handful of napkins from the table, she wiped up puddles of syrup and ice-cream. She then tied each bag closed, pulling the knots as tight as she could. In the corner of the kitchen, a few feet from the bags, she spotted the balled-up ad. The adult film ad – she had almost forgotten about it. Smoothing it out on the table, she read it once more to herself.
Wanted
– Attractive woman. She folded the scrap neatly in half and placed it in her pocket.
No
exp necessary. A glimmer in her eye, Olivia went to bed.
--- Her lips glistened like wet, pink plastic – she had applied four coatings of the stuff, Revlon’s Pink Parade, and was now debating whether or not to add some liner. She stretched her mouth, silly and wide. “Like the Cheshire cat!” she thought, giggling at her distorted reflection. Around her, the bedroom furniture was dancing! It was a shame Patrick and the kids weren’t here to see this. Patrick was next door watching football, and the kids were both at friends’ houses. She had the Friday night all to herself. Olivia took another gulp of the Merlot, straight from the bottle. She fluffed her hair, still partly damp from her bath, and tugged violently at the ass of her ridiculously small skirt. Her expression was the perfect mixture of confidence and drunkenness. She took a step towards the bedroom door, tripping over a shoe and landing on the bed. After a brief laughing fit, she pulled herself back onto her feet.
To her left,
the bureau was bending inward, swallowing itself over and over in massive
gulps of distorted motion. Under her toes, the fringed edges of the Persian
rug flapping as if in a gentle breeze – was the carpet floating? Was everything
floating? In the portrait on the wall, she and
“I’ll love
you forever, babe,” the
The real
Olivia stumbled over to the portrait and stuck her nose up against “If you love me,” She hiccupped, “then you’ll let me have my housekeeper.” Another hiccup. “Adult films, here I come!” And everything went black.
--- The ceiling fan spun madly overhead, hacking through the light like one might chop wood. She squinted, trying to focus on one of the fan blades. The light was positively dizzying, leaping furiously around the walls in disco-like fashion. She stretched our her toes. Was she laying on a bed? It felt rather hard. Perhaps she was on a floor. Restlessly, she rolled onto her side. The light continued to dance against her heavy eyelids. Olivia felt like a child again, on that spinning ride at the town carnival. She thought of all the people, all the laughter. She thought of rainbows. Why, look at all the colors!
But no,
this was no carnival. She tried to concentrate. The room was silent, the walls
a pale yellow. She was staring into the green eyes of a man. He was tall and
dark-haired, but that’s all she could gather. She was unable to focus. She
kept seeing the fan blades, spinning and sinning and spinning. Wait. Did she
know this man? He reminded her of “Hello, darling,” the stranger whispered. “Thank you for helping me with my film. It is a great pleasure to work with you. This is my studio.” She blinked. She found herself sitting on the edge of a pretty bed, a canopy, with a ruffled, purple bed skirt, and the most luscious white feather pillows. It was the bed she had always wanted as a little girl, the bed her mother would never buy her. The man sat beside her, embracing her tenderly.
“You are
perfect,” he said. “Perfect! He squeezed her hand. He then disappeared into another room for a moment, and swiftly returned with what appeared to be a movie camera. “Marvelous, marvelous.” He switched on another set of lights, aimed right at the bed. The room dissolved into the purest white she’d ever seen. She thought of brand-new cotton socks. She thought of coffee creamer. She could no longer see the man, or the purple of the canopy above her. She tried to kiss the white emptiness that surrounded her.
“ Was that still the green-eyed man speaking? She felt herself swimming, dancing, giving in to his voice, a sweet melody, as she ran her hands down her sides. “Now if you would just…” She still couldn’t see. Were her eyes even open? She rolled onto her stomach. She laughed; he was telling her jokes. He was telling her how sexy she looked on the white sheets. He flattered her, directed her, controlled her. He spoke and she listened. She obeyed. “And if you could…” She did as she was told. How could anyplace be so white? She got up off the bed and she danced. She sang. She twirled like a princess. She found herself against a wall, a window, and she kissed it, full pink lips on the glass. “Outstanding, baby. Perfect.” She then began noticing objects in the whiteness. She found that it was fun to move them around. She found objects in one place, and moved them to another. This was a game! Why was she in this place? Oh right, a film. Something soft brushed against her leg. She felt positively giddy – perfectly drunk on Merlot and the twirling. What kind of film was this, anyways? Was she going to be sick? She wanted more Merlot. She laughed. She thought about the money, and the housekeeper she would buy. She continued moving the objects.
---
She woke
up in a daze on the living room couch. “Morning, sunshine. Want some coffee? It’s Saturday morning.” Olivia rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Where was she? She looked around the room. She sat straight up, Heidi tumbling off her chest and onto the floor, and raced into the kitchen.
“ She stood up, her heart melting. The room looked like a dream! The old, oak coffee table was cleared and polished, with a small basket of remote controls in the middle of it. The couches and carpet were vacuumed, and her slippers (both of them!) were sitting next to the red sofa, side-by-side and free of animal hair. Amazed, she slipped them on. All the books and magazines were stacked neatly in the bookshelves by the window. The kids’ schoolbooks and board games were nowhere in sight. She could see no dirty dishes, no papers, no strewn socks, and no broken teacups. Bentley’s doggy bed had miraculously reappeared in the corner by the kitchen, the dog already in it, happily chewing on his rawhide. Otis the Bunny’s cage was now up on a small table next to the TV, the screen finally free of nose-prints and dust. With no sign of warning, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“Oh He looked up at her, a sly grin spreading across his face. “You don’t remember?” “Remember what?” “You honestly have no idea?” “Did you buy me a housekeeper? Is it my birthday?” She looked at him, wide-eyed, tears drying on her face. “Oh honey.” He laughed. “You know we can’t afford a housekeeper.” “But…” “Shhh! There was the sly grin again. “But I don’t understand!” Hey eyes scanned the room again. The cactus on the windowsill was gone: must have finally died and been thrown away. Dot was curled up on the carpet, beneath the bunny cage. All the video tapes were behind the glass door of the TV cart. But wait – what was that pink smear? She edged over to the window. Was that lipstick? Her heart was sinking. She stopped breathing, and pressed her finger tip to the mark on the window. Pink Parade? The lipstick tucked away in her jewelry box, leftover from the senior prom? It couldn’t be! But…
“
She crept
cautiously into the kitchen. “I did this?” He nodded. “But… how?! When?! Last night, I was… Why, I’m not sure where I was.” “You were right here,” he said, grinning. “But… the film…”
“What film?”
He paused. “Were you supposed to meet someone at the movies last night? You
were passed out on the bed when I got home at “I… I don’t understand,” she murmured.
“Neither
do I, Livvy, but thank you. You should have seen yourself last night! You
woke up about Olivia couldn’t breathe. She needed to sit down. She went back into the living room and sat rigidly on the couch.
She tried
thinking back to the night before. She was supposed to be at the studio at
“Dear God…” she said quietly, suddenly aware of her outrageously short skirt and black stockings. Her cheeks flushed. “I’ve gone mad.”
“No sweetie,
no,” “But I don’t want to clean!” she pouted, tears welling in her eyes again. “I want a housekeeper! I thought if I let it get bad enough, you’d get me a housekeeper. But now I’ve went and cleaned it all myself!” “And you did a remarkable job,” he said lovingly, and he patted her on the head like a little dog.
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